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so last night i lost another close friend. I guess I can't hold it against her, I suppose she's trying to do right with the kid...but it still hurts, and I'm left with the impression that I was just a great big mistake. decisions have been made, and once again I'm disposable...
it's not so much the ending (though yeah that hurt a lot) as the reconciliation letter to...well it wasn't me. explaining what a mistake I was...maybe I'm wrong, I doubt I'll ever know as she's excised me from her existence with the clear understanding that we'll never speak again.
I feel like I'm in a bad John Cusack movie... (I accept that many might find "bad" and "John Cusack movie" needlessly redundant, and you'd likely be both right, and NOT a child of the 80's)
it seems I've a knack for being that guy who appears right when you need someone really badly to be a friend and care for and love you without question. to be the person who doesn't think you're worthless or ugly or unlovable and in fact, knows you're really a very special and wonderful person. and then...later, when one realizes that they are special and beautiful and such...well...I guess they realize that there's a better life out there than one involving me.
I'm tired of being the disposable friend. I'm tired of being told that I'm special and loved one minute than being either tossed out wholesale or simply put away until they need someone to make them feel loved again. Of having people decide that I'm nothing at all special after all, and nothing I say or do means anything. I'm tired of my life feeling like a bad 80's date movie...only without finding out in the end that the hot in a nerdy way foreign exchange student has secretly loved me from the moment she saw me, and that I was a fool, a FOOL to waste my time pining for the blond cheerleader bitch (who everyone knows is totally fake and shallow anyway). honestly, I've no idea where I'm going with this...all the 80's movies followed pretty much exactly the same script...and I digress...
California is becoming more and more of a new beginning as my old life abandons me wholesale. I've one loved one left that, were she to leave, would make it like 09 basically didn't happen...
you know what? maybe I'm full of shit, maybe it's all in my head. or maybe I really am just a loser, I don't know anymore.
but honestly, if one feels the need to reassure me that I am in fact a loser who's full of shit. please feel free to reassure me quietly, to yourself...in hell
it's not so much the ending (though yeah that hurt a lot) as the reconciliation letter to...well it wasn't me. explaining what a mistake I was...maybe I'm wrong, I doubt I'll ever know as she's excised me from her existence with the clear understanding that we'll never speak again.
I feel like I'm in a bad John Cusack movie... (I accept that many might find "bad" and "John Cusack movie" needlessly redundant, and you'd likely be both right, and NOT a child of the 80's)
it seems I've a knack for being that guy who appears right when you need someone really badly to be a friend and care for and love you without question. to be the person who doesn't think you're worthless or ugly or unlovable and in fact, knows you're really a very special and wonderful person. and then...later, when one realizes that they are special and beautiful and such...well...I guess they realize that there's a better life out there than one involving me.
I'm tired of being the disposable friend. I'm tired of being told that I'm special and loved one minute than being either tossed out wholesale or simply put away until they need someone to make them feel loved again. Of having people decide that I'm nothing at all special after all, and nothing I say or do means anything. I'm tired of my life feeling like a bad 80's date movie...only without finding out in the end that the hot in a nerdy way foreign exchange student has secretly loved me from the moment she saw me, and that I was a fool, a FOOL to waste my time pining for the blond cheerleader bitch (who everyone knows is totally fake and shallow anyway). honestly, I've no idea where I'm going with this...all the 80's movies followed pretty much exactly the same script...and I digress...
California is becoming more and more of a new beginning as my old life abandons me wholesale. I've one loved one left that, were she to leave, would make it like 09 basically didn't happen...
you know what? maybe I'm full of shit, maybe it's all in my head. or maybe I really am just a loser, I don't know anymore.
but honestly, if one feels the need to reassure me that I am in fact a loser who's full of shit. please feel free to reassure me quietly, to yourself...in hell
really? thats kinda sad
it's been over a year since I've done a Journal entry? kinda pathetic
well, to give a quick update; I've moved, not out of country or state or anything, but to some shiny new digs on the east bay. already I'm much MUCH happier about it. could even see myself living here for a few years by choice. it's stunning what a psychologically depressing effect the old place had pretty much the moment of move in. it also made me realize some things about how I treat the various apartments and living in general, and I'm working on making my apartment not merely a place I sleep and keep my stuff, but an actual home. which I historically have not done. Ju
end of a long absence
so, the internet was out for the past 3+ months...but now it's back on! WOOT!
so hopefully I'll be more active again, figured now was a good time to renew my membership as well
so whats new with everyone?
I'm Back!
so I'm actually drawing fairly regularly, and I've got a bit of a drawing bug going, and not too eager to let it go, so here we're goin!
right now I'm trying to expand and re-do my Imperial Guard lesbian regiment, the Prescian 38th. I'm trying to add the remaining kill team members, as well as re-draw the existing ones. Both Pixie and Sereph, I think can stand a full remake. I'm mostly happy with Specs, but I think I can do SOME refining as well.
I also want to get a couple more Red drawings, and a Molly or two in as well...
oh, and of course, I'm still working on the ever lovely Snicket's amokiri...now like a YEAR late...gods!
I'm alive, I swear I am!
so yeah, I've been in a slump for a while now...can't actually get anything past the beginning/early middle stages...been TRYING to work on ~Persnicketese (https://www.deviantart.com/persnicketese)'s amokiri...and I've got it a ways in...but had to put it on hold due to total lack of ability to draw it...
I finally, FINALLY managed to finish something...Good Ol' Red to the rescue...but honestly, I'm nowhere near as pleased with it as I should be...but for a first drawing back, I guess it'll do. hopefully I can keep up some momentum, and develop some inspiration again.
:IconPersnicketese: I promise you will get your kiri...I just can't promise when
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I am so sorry dear.